You ever get so high before watching a movie that midway through the screening, you forget you’re just a person in the theater and start to envision yourself as a character in the movie? If yes, then bring it in. Let’s hug it out. We’re family now. If no, then it’s time to try the GG (f.k.a Gorilla Glue) strain. One blunt of that and you’ll be convinced that instead of two, there were three aliens in Arrival: Abbott, Costello, and you. What an experience.
I spent the past five days smoking GG and watching all of the Best Picture nominees for the Oscars, and at the end of my binge, I had not only made a decision on whether each movie was worth the cannabis I smoked before viewing, I also had a list of which character in each movie needed to get high the most. And guess what? Since we’re family now, I’m going to share it with you.
Let’s talk movies.
Moonlight
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
Depending on where you live, let’s say the smallest acceptable quantity (a G) costs you, on average, about $15. I think, “Would I rather save this smoke for a different time of the day? I mean, the more I smoke, the sooner I’ll have to buy more, so do I really want to spend my high on this movie?” For Moonlight, the answer is absolutely yes. The high will elevate the already incredible cinematography to levels you didn’t know it could reach.
Which character needed cannabis the most?
Chiron needed to smoke the most. Not Little, not Black, but the middle age: Chiron. Everywhere he turned, the world was against him: a gay black teen in the ‘hood with no help or hope of getting out. It was Chiron vs. the world. I know what that can be like: where you feel like it’s you vs. everybody, and boy I’ll tell you, somebody needed to pass Chiron something to puff on. Which is exactly what Trey did. I mean, Chiron was already smoking because his mother was leaving shit around the house for him to grab and roll, but the point is: he definitely needed it.
Arrival
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
I’d say yes. But don’t get too high, because I saw this twice: once in theaters and once at home, and for my first viewing, I’m pretty sure I was way too high to catch the somewhat surprising plot twist. The second time I was like OOOOHHHH SHIIIIITTTTT. So yes, it’s worth the smoke, but it’s not worth missing the movie. Don’t do that. Hov did that so hopefully you won’t have to go through that.
Which character needed cannabis the most?
Abbott the alien. Here these aliens are, coming down to communicate with humans, and we hit them with a bomb that kills his buddy? So now Abbott’s all alone with nothing to do but wait and see if these white people have any questions for him? That’s pretty much me every day at work. And if Abbott’s alien-on-Earth life is anything like my work life, then he most definitely needs a blunt in each tentacle until 5 p.m. hits and it’s time for the spaceship to take off.
Hacksaw Ridge
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
I’d say yes because it’s such a great movie that if you’re high when it ends, you’ll be feeling all the feels of inspiration deep in your loins. Your brain will be open and the endorphins will release in such a way that makes you say, “Yeah man…yeah” about life and everything you want from it. Or at least that’s just how high inspiration works for me. I can’t comment on how it works for you.
Which character needed cannabis the most?
Desmond Doss, the conscientious objector who served as a medic in World War II and saved 75 men during the war’s bloodiest battle. I tried to avoid picking all of the main characters for these answers, but when you watch Hacksaw Ridge, it’s quite apparent that Desmond Doss definitely needed a little smokey-smoke. No doubt about it. Going to war without a weapon? What? Bullets flying around his head and all he can do is throw a pack of band-aids at the enemy? Fuck that. I’m not taking that on sober. Nah. Not me. That scene where he’s going back to grab all of the soldiers off the ridge? HE DID THAT WITHOUT THE EYE BUZZ THAT GETS MOST OF US THROUGH EACH DAY.
Here, pass me the grinder, I’ll twist one for him.
Fences
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
OOOOHHH BOY. AB-SO-LUTELY. This movie was FLAMES, and as I mentioned earlier, when I get high, I become hyper-aware and can suddenly feel every single emotion and piece of the environment. When I walked out of Fences, I felt it all. I felt the pain in Denzel’s character, I felt the pain in Viola Davis’ character, I felt the drastic situation that they all lived in, but most importantly, I felt the sense of hopelessness in the son. Which is exactly why…
Which character needed cannabis the most?
Denzel’s son in the movie needed to smoke the most. Every day he woke up and had to hope his father wouldn’t ruin some shit for him. I mean, dog…The boy was being recruited for a full-ride college football scholarship and his father wouldn’t allow him to pursue it because Denzel thought it would be better for his son to work in a corner store? Son. Dog. Somebody pass that boy the L and let him sit on it for a couple minutes. He needs it more than us.
Most cannabis naysayers say it’ll ruin your life and make you forgo all of your potential, but shit…if my father is already doing that then why WOULDN’T I smoke? Life sucks, I’ma be stuck in this hellhole for eternity, I’m rolling up.
Hidden Figures
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
Oh yeah. I always get super inspired when I’m high and I walked out of this movie feeling like any and everything I wanted to accomplish in life was absolutely possible, regardless of racial barriers. Shit was incredibly empowering. I walked out of that theater with an abundant amount of possibility flowing through my veins and the cannabis ensured that I felt every single bit of it.
Which character needed cannabis the most?
Every single white person in this movie. My god. All of them. Could they just chill out and let these beautiful strong black women be the best? ESPECIALLY Katherine Johnson. She’s out there putting people into space by her damn self, and they’re mad that she’s sipping the same coffee as them? That coffee was probably trash as fuck. Tasted like it was made from the black beans at Chipotle, and y’all have a problem with Kat J. grabbing a cup so she can continue to ensure that ya’ll have jobs? Tsk fucking tsk.
What they all needed was for everyone to toss in 10 on a half, scoop something up for the Dale down the street (I just assume that’s who was the plug back then), and sit in a kumbaya circle until they’re all so high that their third eyes open and they realize how incredibly silly they’ve been acting towards one of the greatest mathematicians to ever live.
Lion
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
No. This movie is incredible, but it’s so mind-blowing and sad that you’re going to have to smoke immediately after it. So don’t waste it before. Just wait until after. Trust me on this one. I was high as shit and when he found his mom at the end…Boy. I was crying the driest tears ever and immediately had to head to 7-Eleven for another pack of White Owls. (They’re better than Swishers. We’ll talk about this another time.)
Which character needed cannabis the most?
This one’s a toss up between Baby Saroo and Saroo’s mom. On one hand, Baby Saroo went through absolute hell: being completely removed from his family, fleeing child trafficking/abuse/whatever the work those creepy people had planned for my guy. Not to mention, he was also trapped on a train for a whole 1,500 miles with nothing to do but scream for Guddu while fighting hunger pains. What else would there be to do in that time but smoke and sleep? Baby Saroo needed a blunt for the pain. He needed to zip off out of reality for a while.
On the other hand, Saroo’s mom lost two kids in one night. One to death by train, the other to She-Has-No-Fucking-Clue. I’ve seen the pain of a mother who has lost a child. I wouldn’t wish that hell on anyone. So she definitely needed to get high and zone out for a while. And by “a while,” I mean 25 years.
Hell or High Water
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
Absolutely. It’s such an enjoyable film, yet it doesn’t require too much of an emotional investment. It’s simply a good-ass movie that you watch for a couple hours, then walk out like, “Man, I loved that.” There’s no heart-wrenching twists or scenes that’ll cause you to reflect on personal experiences. So you don’t have to worry about your high turning into an analytical period of post-movie self-reflection.
Which character needed cannabis the most?
Easy answer here. The wildhead brother Tanner needed to smoke the most. From the very beginning of the movie you could just tell, “Oh yeah, he’s going to screw this up.” And what did he do? Exactly. He had way too much energy and way too much will to do wrong. Know what would’ve solved that? A bong rip of some Blue Dream, that’s what. A nice mellow high that causes absolutely chill and wavy feelings.
Before some BD, you miiight want to eat breakfast then go rob a bank by yourself while your partner in crime sits across the street completely clueless about what you’re doing. But after some BD, all you’re going to want is to sit on a patio with a margarita and enjoy the feeling of the sun against your skin. Tanner’s dumb ass needed a good smoke.
La La Land
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
This is a yes and a no. I’d say yes, simply because it’s a musical, and nothing enhances music quite like a good high. I don’t know about you, but when I’m high, I can hear and feel every single beat and note of every single song. But I’d also say no because, outside of the John Legend performance, most of those songs are really bad, and I’m not so sure you’d want to hear every one of them deeply in your soul. The movie itself was pretty good (would’ve been a hell of a lot better as a straightforward movie instead of musical), but I so could’ve done without Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone pretending they can sing. I was high as hell. I heard every single note. It wasn’t pleasant. The choice is yours.
Which character needed cannabis the most?
Sebastian and Mia’s bosses: JK Simmons in the restaurant, Mia’s boss at the coffee shop. Both of them had no respect for artistry, which was apparent by JK wanting Ryan to play that boring ass Christmas playlist instead of letting him get loose on the keys as God intended. Sebastian’s a serious musician, his heart longs to release all of his feelings through his fingers, and you want to force him to musically deck the damn halls with boughs of holly? Nah son.
And then Mia’s manager had no respect for artistry either, or else she wouldn’t have scheduled her on a Friday when she KNEW Mia had an audition. Why did you do that, Sharon? I’ll tell you why. Because the bosses obviously took their jobs way too seriously, which caused them to be unnecessarily high-strung individuals. I know a cure for that though. Her name is Cannabis Sativa. They’d enjoy her company.
Manchester by the Sea
Is it worth your cannabis experience?
NO. NO. NO. This movie is so damn sad that you’ll need to smoke immediately after to get that feeling of melancholy out of your heart. And in addition to that, you don’t want to go into this high, because your soul will absorb the emotion like a cinematic sponge and you might slip into a short period of depression. Don’t do it. Save your G, break it up after, and smoke to the gratitude of your problems not being so bad in comparison.
Which character needed cannabis the most?
As I watched this movie, I realized that every character was living a harsh life, and thus probably needed a little THC to ease the weight of the world on their shoulders. But out of all of them, the character that needed it the most was Patrick’s dad, Joe Chandler. The man gets diagnosed with a heart condition that will definitely take his life, and the worst part is that he has no real clue as to what the life expectancy of it will be.
What reason does he have to do anything other than sit around and smoke the best buds until his time comes? I’ll answer that for you: there isn’t one. If you tell me I might die any day from my heart being weak as shit, there’s absolutely no way I’m not taking every single dollar I have out of savings to spend on pounds of cannabis, a brand new sectional couch, and a 715-inch 4k TV. If death is coming for me, I’m at least going out in my absolute comfort zone. Joe deserved the same.
